Spinifex Press

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Enough

Patricia Hughes

1-876756-40-3

Available March 2004

Patria Hughes shows a remarkable ability to tell a story and to embed her autobiography into a searing account of what it is like to be violated in the most intimate part of one's life.

Enough is a story rarely told, and she tells it without self-pity, sentimentality or blind anger.

Overcoming huge hurdles Patricia provides the reader with an honest account of all the ups and downs that she encountered.

Patricia Hughes is the author of Daughters of Nazareth, an autobiographical account of her life in a Catholic orphanage, Nazareth House, and reuniting with a sister whom she'd never known existed.
Patricia's Paper at the Amnesty Conference in Perth on Stop Violence against Women
There is a culture of violence engulfing our world. To our shame, future generations will look back on this period of history and identify it as one of the most violent periods ever with the severity of war and terrorism. We are almost becoming immune to seeing it splashed all over the news and television on a daily basis. But with all the expressions of violence, the worst is domestic terrorism. Women and children in huge numbers live in terror in their own homes, weighing up every word they say, always on the edge, afraid to relax and doing their best to please and calm their persecutors even knowing that their best will never be good enough to prevent the next attack.

Domestic violence is not just a curtain raiser for a much bigger event. It is an event in itself. People not directly involved in domestic violence do not believe that it’s the serious social problem that it is. It has existed for centuries and has been hidden and ignored. Firstly by a society that sees it as a taboo subject to be swept under the carpet. And secondly, hidden by the victims themselves who have chosen to keep quiet, mostly out of shame, although even as I say that, I don’t know what it is that makes us feel so ashamed. The seriousness of this problem is diminished by the fact that like rape, the crime of domestic violence is under-reported because it usually occurs at home and with no witnesses.

Whenever I sit and let my mind wander, memories of those terrible days always resurface. I wrote my book ‘Enough’ as a self-help book as well as a personal, graphic and introspective account of my experiences ten years ago. I had recently been divorced and I felt like my life was suspended. On hold. I had a burning impatience for the next part of my life to begin and I wanted to do something with it even though I had no idea what that something was. I seemed poised between the things I wanted to do and the things I needed to do. And I desperately wanted to be loved which made me a sitting duck for anyone with a kind word. And so I fell headlong into this abusive relationship.

I regard myself as a strong person and I don’t see what happened as a personal weakness so why I found myself in this situation will be a question I will always ask myself. My life was changing and I remember expecting to see the outside world changing too. Everything seemed the same but it was different and I didn’t know how to bring it back to the way it had been only a matter of months ago. Most days I felt brainwashed. I remember the feeling of isolation, helplessness and utter desolation as my self worth and self confidence disappeared like water down a drain but I also remember the overwhelming need to be loved and accepted. It seemed easy to find myself in this situation but hard to find my way out again. Even at that stage, I realised most people have little sympathy for a woman who stays with an abusive man and I didn’t want to wear that label.

Drawing on my own experience, I know these women don’t know where to turn or who to turn to. No-one seems to understand the extent of their wounds both physical and psychological. People say wounds can’t hurt but I beg to differ. Emotional wounds need to be dressed and attended to and long after the bruises have healed, the words still remain to haunt and damage you. Being a punching bag and experiencing emotional abuse in the form of intimidation and humiliation are almost on a par as far as women are concerned. Not many people seem to know the answers and even fewer people seem to care because people not directly involved in domestic violence do not see it as the serious social problem that it is. This is why the majority of women tend to withdraw from a society that regards domestic violence as a nasty subject.

Mainly because of the shame they feel, they hide their injuries and this only creates more pain in the way of loneliness. Shame keeps a lot of women quiet and sometimes they refuse to put their fears into words because the words make them concrete and inescapable. I myself went through terrible agonies to keep the truth to myself. So why did I accept this dreadful behavior? Why did I let things go as far as I did? It took me many years to ask myself the same questions but when I did, the answer came quickly and succinctly: because I thought it was ‘my fault’. Something in me not him. I’d read horror stories of women who end up with burn scars, broken limbs and dead children and like everyone else, I thought, ‘That’ll never happen to me.’ But before you even realise it, you’re a statistic with no way out that you can see.

One question everyone seems to ask is ‘So why don’t these women leave?’ One factor I’ve found that keeps women under the control of these men is they’re scared, with an underlying hope that the man’s behavior is just a one-off or two-off occurrence and it will stop. Unfortunately, most times it doesn’t. Even when it seems it couldn’t get any worse, not all women decide to leave their abusers. A lot of women decide to stay for many reasons. One is economic dependence. They may have children and their husband is the sole provider so they have no money of their own. Some decide to stay because domestic violence is an attempt to establish dominance and control and this mistreatment breaks down their sense of self-worth already low after being told repeatedly how useless and worthless they are. The choice to stay is inevitable and overpowering and therefore they put up with the abuse. Another reason is that they are justifiably scared that leaving will not end the abuse. They find themselves in a Catch 22 situation where they are abused if they stay but then they are followed and terrorised if they leave. Statistics show that nearly half of all women murdered by their spouses are, at the time, separated or in the process of separating. We hear about this all the time on the news. All too often a woman knows she will be pursued by an enraged man. This is after she has made the decision to uproot herself and her children all with varying degrees of shame, low self-esteem and self worth.

People who are abused often hate and love their abusers at the same time. Anger, confusion, fear and hurt all create a turmoil of emotions. What a lot of people don’t realise is that these violent men can appear remorseful after each attack and show regret for their actions. These women are confused by this show of love and willingly stay in order to feel that warmth and acceptance. We all crave love and human contact and this is another major reason why women go back to their abusers.

So considering all of this, why isn’t the question, ‘How on earth do these women manage to leave at all?’ And why do we never ask that question? Why do we always throw our hands up in horror and disbelief when someone keeps going back for more? Too often, you hear men say that it’s ‘her own fault’ for going back. The trouble is these people don’t understand that in these women’s minds, they have nowhere else to go.

What I’ve come to believe is that abuse is a learned pattern and is an attempt to establish domination and control. Through a lack of self-confidence and self-worth, you learn how to be a victim and accept this sort of treatment and abuse. In my new book ‘Enough’, I try to help women understand themselves and all the complexities that domestic violence covers. I talk about seven steps that I wish I’d known when I was going through that time of my life. They are very involved and because of time, I can only give you a very brief outline.

I think prevention plays a huge part in the fix, the first two steps are Identifying Abusive Behaviour and Recognising Abusers. Some forms of abuse are subtle, they can easily be denied. It can be as subtle as not liking the way their partner is treating them. At first they may appear kind, sensitive, affectionate and thoughtful but abusers have a low tolerance level and expect impossible standards that don’t seem to apply to them. The patterns of aggression, anger, intimidation, manipulation and control begin to appear and leave victims dependent on their abusers.

The third step is preparing for emergencies and is really a short term one. It covers you and your children during the violence. When the violence suddenly escalates, remain near a safe exit. Think ahead and have the contact number of someone you trust nearby.

The fourth step is getting help after a crisis. This comes in the form of shelters, hotlines and advocacy groups and a great number of them are listed at the back of the book as well as their contact numbers.

The fifth is Making the decision to stay or leave. Making changes and taking action isn’t easy, especially when they are psychologically fragile so that they doubt their own abilities. Thinking clearly in the midst of so much confusion and chaos is again not easy and should be done with professional help.

The last two steps are Learning to heal and rebuild and Remaining Abuse Free.

These last steps are vital and I want to stress to women that there is a way out and you can make a new life for yourself. You hear people say, ‘He ruined my life.’ Believing that is a crime in itself because you are making yourself a victim for the rest of your life. There is another side and I am living proof. I won’t ever let myself forget those experiences because remembering is a good thing. In one respect, you remember the helplessness and utter desolation but you also know that it is something you’ve overcome, even though painfully. Sometimes it’s a smell you remember. Sometimes it’s a mannerism. Then suddenly, the memories are there again at the top of your mind. But now, when these memories come back, I don’t let them drag me down. I recognise them as something I’ve freed myself from. I’ve been able to clarify everything and put everything into perspective. I won’t ever let myself forget them and I use them as positive reinforcement that I’m a survivor and that I’ve come this far and will never go back. I used to be a victim but I’m not one anymore. I’m a survivor.

I’d like to finish with a massaged quote from Edmund Burke:
‘The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to do nothing.’

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ISBN 1876756403
pb
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